Searching

Lately I have just been severely unhappy. I don't know the root cause, but trust me, if I did I would totally fix it. It all started over Thanksgiving break w/ the fam. Idk what it is that kicked me so low, but it has to do with the break. Maybe it's my brother. He's moved on from me, I feel. He's different and he's almost got a fiance. What the heck happened?? On the flip side of that, I feel that I put unrealistic expectations on him. Should I expect so much from him? Or should I validate my own feelings of hurt? It's a tough spot to be in. I guess I was so let down from the whole Thanksgiving experience this year. Usually it is happy and fun and lighthearted. This year it was anything but fun and very negative. Or it could be that I'm faced with having to move back home after graduation because of money reasons. I definitely do not want to do that. I don't want to move back in with my parents. To me, it's like I have failed if I have to move back home. I guess I'll have to readjust my thinking because that is a very real and very likely possibility...unless I win the lottery (and I've heard you have to play to win). Or maybe it's because I'm stuck at my internship...or not stuck, it's really just the easiest and cheapest option for me at this time. I don't feel productive or needed there. I need to feel appreciated, as unlikely that emotion would be in a public job. Or it could be because I broke my computer screen and am out $100 that I really don't have. I've never just been this deeply unhappy. I can't even discern if it's with myself or my environment or my family. It is so discouraging. I find myself being tense and snappy to my roommate. I am avoiding my BFF; that's a whole other story. And with that story you can also add the battle of "are my expectations too unrealistic of her or am I justified in feeling this way?" It's a mess any way you look at it. I was thinking of not working over the holidays, but why wait? I should go ahead and start internship so I can be ahead of the game. I'm bored and all that's going to accomplish is lead me deeper into this depression. Maybe I need to start working out again or taking vitamins or just sit in the sunlight. I need a new frame of reference because the one I have now is just not working for me.

Frustration

Well, the title says it all this time, folks. I'm so frustrated. I am frustrated at me, I'm frustrated at my family, at other people. I am so bombarded with emotions this week, I can't decide if I'm angry or depressed or jealous or convicted. I think I'm all of them rolled into one. All I know is that I'm unhappy. So desperately unhappy with life, with people, with family, with myself. Last week was Thanksgiving, a usually happy time for my family. Last week all it was was a negative, whiny experience. It didn't help that my parents had colds, that made them unusually grumpy. But to have my brother and his girlfriend (almost fiance', that's a whole other story) with us all week was torture. They are both so wrapped up in themselves they can't see the needs of others around them. That gets on my nerves so badly. And I know my brother gets it honestly. My mother is one of the least empathetic people I know. You'd think after having me as a child, she'd know what I need to feel good about myself...but nope, she still hasn't figured it out. Then again, who am I to say that she needs to satiate my needs? Even if she is my mother, should I put that responsibility on her or any other member of my family? And why is it that family can push your buttons so easily? I try SO hard to be jolly and happy and positive while I'm around them, but they just infuriate me in so many ways. I love my brother, but his world revolves around himself and his girlfriend. I don't know when (or even if) he will realize that this girl may not be in his life forever. I don't foresee a breakup in their future, but who can tell these days? I wish he would realize that I am his forever-family. When mom and dad are gone, I will be here. He doesn't invest in our relationship. I've heard that's normal for siblings, but it's very hard for me to accept. And speaking of relationship investment, that brings to mind my BFF of 9 (almost 10) years. These past 4 months I've been home about 4 times. 3 out of those 4 times, she has ignored me and/or stood me up. I know she is currently going through some family drama and I can appreciate that, but what small amount of respect does she have for me not even to care enough to send me a text to cancel our plans? I don't even expect follow through from her anymore....and I've had enough of rejection in my lifetime. Maybe the title should have been disappointed. I'm disappointed in my BFF and my brother and my mother and myself. Maybe i'm just transferring my junk onto them? I'm working through my issues with myself and amazingly feel 10x better today. I plan to work through the issues with the BFF, because I just can't have this animosity towards her anymore. I don't want the issue to ruin our friendship, and I think that I can relate my feelings to her without being disrespectful. I've had awhile to think about and sort through them and come to concise statement and I'm hoping it will go well. And as for the issue with myself, I honestly think it was conviction from the Lord. I'm definitely not the spiritual nazi, but I had to confess to him. I had to purposely tell him and ask for forgiveness. I could feel the disconnect from him like never before and I hated it. And I'm not your A-team Chrsitian. I'm seriously flawed and lazy with Christianity, but i knew something had to change. You know, I've never doubted that there is a God. I know that he is who he proclaims to be in the Bible. I've had too many experiences in my lifetime to doubt. But I'm a proud woman and that has caused me more pain and suffering than it should have. You'd think I'd learn, but no such luck. Well, today is a new day and I need (another) new beginning. However, I also know that the consequences from my actions will still be with me and I accept that. I will continue to work through them. Well, I seem to have exhausted my brain with this one. This may be a very short entry compared to others, but it's taken a long while to condence all of the emotion into intelligable information to put onto this blog. I need to work on my process speed! But even though it's 6 days past Thanksgiving, I'm thankful today for this mess I'm in.

random

So, some pretty substantial things have happened to me since the last post. I applied for and did not get an internship, which I'm okay with. I figured I'm just meant to do something else. I've lightened up considerably and I've seen the world from a different perspective. Growing up in the South, the first thing I learned to do was judge. I know how to judge what people wear, what people do, how they act, how they raise their children, who they marry, whether or not they choose to go to college...but I've learned that 1) it's so easy to judge, and 2) so hard to train yourself not to judge. I've been trying very hard not to jump to automatic conclusions or judgments about people, but it's become such an ingrained thing that I do it without realizing it. But now that I've had a personal experience and can see things from the other side, it's easier to go easier on people and even myself.

Something random has been bothering me lately. I guess it's because I've had new exposure to certain ways of thinking. It goes back to the archaic way of how society views the sexual exploits of men and women so differently. Take "the walk of shame," why is it the walk of shame for women and not men? Has a man ever left a sexual encounter feeling ashamed or slutty? I'm guessing not much of the time. I'm not saying it never happens, but if society is correct in its portrayal through movies, television, and music, men leave the said encounters prideful and satisfied with themselves. Well, why can't women? Shouldn't we be able to feel proud about our sexuality instead of ashamed? Here's another example, the language applied to sexually active women. Here are a few examples: defiled, deflowered, devirginized, tainted, impure....why is purity something to value in a woman, but not a man?

Anyways, just some random ramblings....

My moods are like the weather....

...unpredictable and nonsensical. However, my mood always seems to match the rain. Now it comes down to the chicken and the egg controversy....I have no idea which came first in respect to moods and rain. It's not that I dislike my mood when it rains, quite the contrary. I enjoy my mellow, dampened self. It gives me time to reflect. Reflect on life, reflect on my situation, myself....it's not always easy and enjoyable, but it has to be done.

I don't know if anyone has ever said change is hard, so I'm gonna say it....change is hard. I've been dealing with a lot lately....as in since my last blog. I had developed this "middle-finger to the world" attitude a la Marshall Mathers, but it hasn't worked out for me as much as him. Last Thursday afternoon/evening one of my good friends tells me that our old roommate moved out because of her relationship with me. That was a blow because I'd basically spent spring semester trying to cultivate a relationship with this girl. I asked her to lunch, filled her gas tank, tried to have good conversations....I don't understand it....maybe i tried to hard? Okay, the next thing is that one of my current roommates (who took the room of the above mentioned roommate) is thinking about moving out. My other dear, sweet roommate proceeds to tell me that she thinks once again it is my actions that are driving this housemate away.....blow #2. The third thing, and really the least worrisome, is that our property managers consider me rude and disrespectful and would no longer like to speak with me....well, I'm not really sorry they don't approve of me....lol. Okay, so that's the major things that have happened. The bad thing is they would be manageable if they happened on separate occasions....but to have this all told to you in one night is not pleasant.

so my whole screw what the world thinks of me attitude went right out the window within 24 hours time. i think the worst part of it is that i already struggle so much with liking myself and then to hear news like this makes it even harder. I've been told my entire life "watch your tone," "you can be somewhat bitchy," "you have no tact," etc. So evidently I haven't measured up my entire life to what people expect. Why should now be any different? The funny thing is that for all of this new information, I wasn't hurt...I was pissed. I think it would be different if I maliciously did things. But most of the time I just don't realize how what I'm saying is being perceived.

So, as you can see, the rain matches my mood. The wind parallels my internal thoughts. The tornado represents the unwelcome intrusions into my consciousness....okay, too much with the metaphor (or whatever the hell I'm doing is). Even though it's corny, it's still valid. Why do I have to continue feeling this way? Why am I plaged with such insecurities? Why am I plagued with a friend who seems to not be plagued any insecurities of her own? It makes it so much worse! Not only do I compare myself to others, I then feel abnormal for doing so. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. That's all I have to say. UGH! This situation is so frustrating!

It's been awhile...

Wow, it has been a long time! I had to google blogspot and other blog websites just to remember which one I posted on! It's crazy! Well life has been tumultuous lately, well my inner life, that is. What's an inner life? Maybe I should re-term it my self. The inner workings of Katybeth have been put to the test lately. Trials and tribulations (minor things in comparison to others, of course) have stretched me. I have to say the stretching is not easy. Although the joy of being a more receptive person is nice. I'm learning new things about me, about the world...about my view and perception of the world. Maybe some of these things I'm learning is not for the best. I have no idea. That's the beauty of life. We have no idea what's coming next. I can tell you what I want to come next, what I think is coming, what I hope is coming, what should come, but in the end it's up to this crazy universe or fate or predestination....whatever you believe in/want to call it.

So...things I've learned. It's hard to really put a list together. It's more abstract thinking and observation. Like years ago, I thought I'd be married by now...or at least dating seriously. Nope, didn't turn out that way. I thought I'd be content, but I'm learning that contentment is relative and it's normal for things to be shitty or go wrong (not in a cynical way, things just happen). There is no "happily ever after." There is no "prince/princess charming" to rescue you. You've got to do it yourself. It's up to me and that is a scary revelation. I am an adult (when did that happen?). I am in charge of me. I've always thought that I knew the plan for my life: 1) go to college, 2) get married, 3) have children....it's the small-town, Southern environment coming out in me. I've recently (and I mean as in the last week) had this "duh" moment. Nothing is set in stone. I can move to Portland if I want or maybe Austrailia. I can pursue whatever I want: sex? drugs? rock n roll? lol...ok, that was over the top, but you see my point. Opportunities are out there and I can and should take advantage.

I have often told others (and myself), "I'm a creature of habit." I drive the same routes, I drink the same thing from Starbucks, I park in the same parking lot. What's the fun in that? Habituation is safety....and safety is predictable and easy. Why should I chose the easy way? I know why...I'm scared shitless. Life is scary. What if I fail? What if I have to run home to my podunk town with my tail between my legs and live with my parents? What if I end up marrying a man I settle for? Those things make me cringe just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I love my town but the hardships I faced there make me want to escape it. I don't want to go home to where the boy who terrorized me in middle school is a deputy (mostly because assaulting an officer is frowned upon). The town is and will always be my home, but it reminds me of everything I've tried so hard to run away from and forget. I remember when I first went off to college, everytime I crossed that county line I fell right back into the old me....who they thought I was, what they made me think of myself. It pissed me off...it still pisses me off...

So, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna take some more voice lessons. I'm gonna go on a cruise with my best friend. I'm gonna move. I'm gonna love. I'm gonna try my best to take chances and get out of my box. I'm gonna travel to DC or Boston or Canada or where ever the hell I wanna go. I'm gonna seek out life's adventures. I've spent too long on the sidelines or bench or whatever sports metaphor you wanna use. I want to let go of the past. I've held on so tightly for 12 years. Old grudges and hurts and insecurities...they are making me cynical and timid. Now, don't misunderstand me, I have no idea how to just let it go. I'm not that type of person. My life has taught me that disappointment and rejection just happen again and again. So what do i do? I watch out for it. I guard myself to the point where it's taken me almost a year to let someone new in. What happened to me? I don't trust people, yet I cling to them like my life depends on it. It's like their approval is what I need to live. I hate that I'm like that. I don't want to please people any longer. I want to do what I want to do. If I wanna drive to Wisconsin and get hammered, I will, and screw whatever you think.

I want something different for me, for my life. It starts anew right now.

A Long Time Coming...

As I sit in my favorite recliner at nearly 5 AM this morning, I'm pondering all the makings of this life and the next. Why am I awake at nearly 5 AM you ask? Simple; because I have been trying to sleep away life and it's never ending queue of problems and now I can't bribe Mr. Sandman to save my life. In the past hour and a half I have passed thru many emotions. I've gone from sorrow, to anger, to calm and back again too many times to count. I find that anger is the hardest to deal with because it's mostly anger at myself. Anger for gaining weight; anger at my seeming lack of ambition and motivation; anger for my obvious lack of self-control and self-discipline. Then lonliness creeps up and pity surrounds me as I laid in bed thinking about how no one knows the "true" me. Which in rational retrospect, is absurd because I pride myself on being real at all times. Too real for some, might I add.I have to admit that some of these emotions are a ploy of the Enemy to get me to feel badly about myself and lead me into some kind of sin. But my rational self, which heavily outweighs the emotional self, cannot allow this self to sit here and throw all of it onto the Enemy's back; no matter how tempting that may be. I look around and think how did I get here? Did I spend 5 years of my life in school to be a cat sitter? Did I spend lots of my parent's money and one of the hardest years of my life on gastric bypass surgery to gain back this weight? Do I self-destruct on purpose? Why do I still have an emotional attachment to food? All these things seem to catch up to me at night while waiting to fall asleep. And I'll think, "tomorrow i'll start using the elliptical (that's on the back porch!)," or, "tomorrow i'm gonna get items 1 thru 5 done," or "tomorrow I will finally go and volunteer at the pregnancy center." Then tomorrow comes and I can still be found in my favorite recliner. The parents are worried, they tell me several times a month. I try to tell them that it's not like this at school. And in all reality it isn't. There are places to go, assignments to get done, meetings to attend, etc. But still at school I do still feel these emotions I'm expressing right now. As a psychology major I think should I find a therapist? I have been in therapy/counseling before and helped a lot. Amazingly for me, it's easier to tell my deepest feelings to a complete stranger than to my mother or best friend. Sad to say at this point in my life I feel trapped. Trapped to be the same Katybeth forever more. Change is not readily accepted it seems. Why are you watching THAT movie or why do you enjoy THAT particular activity. I'm growing! I'm sorry I don't watch the same genre of movie or like the club life style. I'm not into the new pop music scene, I enjoy Delilah and the the John Tesch radio show. I like movies that stretch your thinking and that may be a little quirky. Is who I am etched in stone? Do my thoughts that Obama may be able to help this country make me a democrat? Am I liberal b/c I think a woman should be able to choose whether or not to have an abortion? [Note: I'm all for women's rights, however I'm very pro life.] So what does that make me? Democrat? Republican? And heaven forbid I watch a tv show that someone deems stupid. I have to defend my choice of comedic relief now? Great! Or maybe these particular people could take an interest in something new? Gasp! Oh and lets not start on the criticism of my choice of psychology. I'm a nut job or a feminist. Could it be that you just don't want to admit that maybe this nut job could help you? Nope, nope, we'll have none of that thanks. Yeah, I'm thinking of one person in particular and sorry I got off on a venting rampage. But this person infuriates me. He has no idea how much his opinions matter to me. I mean, is a little time gonna kill him? Have you volunteered this week Katybeth? Have you found a job Katybeth? He doesn't take interest, he accuses. It may not be in his question, but it's in his tone. Well maybe he'll figure it out someday.I think Satan knows exactly how to make me feel like a piece of crap. I've learned my triggers (such as when I feel lonley I am more apt to have an emotional meltdown, sort of like this one), I try to avoid situations that will send me into a tizzy. I've learned coping mechanisms such as positive self-talk (which is an invaluable skill everyone needs to aquire). I've also learned to journal. Journaling keeps me from exploding. Like tonight, I laid in bed for almost 2 hours and all of these thoughts I'm expressing right now passed thru my head at lightening speed in a trillion different ways. Getting them on paper used to work, but now, in the computer age, writing isn't fast enough. My handwriting becomes messier the more upset I become. One of the issues that is of most import in my mind is grad school. I am currently enrolled in the school counseling program. When I decided on this program I was extatic; I wanted to make a difference in the lives of students. But now i've discovered that even with the new ASCA model of school counseling, the school counselor's job is to test and advise in academics. I don't want to be stuck in a job that I loathe. However, there is a new program in the school of counseling. So new, in fact, that it has yet to be named or added to the school handbook or website. It's based on using counseling in a more mission-field style. And that's perfect for me! I've always wanted to open a halfway house for pregnant teens. And if you know me, you know that for as long as I can remember I've had pregnancy dreams. Whether that be significant in a spiritual way or not, I'm not sure. But why would this desire be in my heart if the Lord did not put it there? And if I wasn't conflicted enough I have lately been burdened for those coming back from Iraq and Afganistan who suffer from PTSD. I would love to work with them and to do that I'd have to go the Mental Health degree alley. So, should I be safe and go w/ school counseling? I'd have a job and great benefits, but would I be happy and fulfilled? Of the other two choices I'm not sure which I would pick. PTSD sufferers are near and dear to me; and if we leave it up to the Military to provide help for these soldiers....well, just go back and check the history of Vietnam soldiers and how they handled coming back into society and that should answer our questions. And then the long standing dream: I can envision in my head the old Victorian style house that I would fix up to house about ten girls. The ways I could teach them and help them and offer them love and support that they may not have received in their own houses growing up. Some people may ask themselves why would anyone put such personal thoughts on a website for all to read? My answer is that for me this is a way to break down barriers. Growing up I learned to erect as many protective walls as I could. Sarcasm is one of my old standbys. Others would be distancing, retracting into my shell, eating, sleeping, etc. These notes that are personal and intimate are put on here for a purpose. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable talking about these issues one-on-one, no matter who you are or how long we've known each other. Another reason is that I'm so much better at writing out thoughts than expressing them orally. However, I digress, I have been working very hard to lower these walls. And it's harder than you may think. Imagine having drilled into your head everyday that the only way you can escape hurt is to build these walls. So you build them only to find out later on that you have to break these walls down. Because even thought these walls protect against bad feelings, they also keep out good feelings. Make sense? Well, it's my note, and it makes sense to me. Moving on then....Another thing I seem to be wrestling with also had to do with these walls. I guess in all of this wall building, I forgot to hone my interpersonal skills. Oh these skills are the bane of my very existance. My entire life I felt an outcast, so I didn't have to worry about these skills. And now I need them. I seem to think that I am perfectly normal, however feedback from social interaction tells me differently. I'm too outspoken. I hurt people's feelings. I'm too blunt, too aggressive, just too much! Well that's just Katybeth to me. But I know that no one is perfect and needs to change and grow. So, do these traits need to go and if so how do I go about changing such an integral part of my personality. OR! Or have I progressed far enough into myself that I've learned not to care about these certain traits? Obviously not too far progressed if I'm bringing them up! Anywho...I justify these comments by saying things like, "At least my friends like me for who I really am." Or, "That's just me; like it or lump it." But really it gets to me....AGGRESSIVE? Me? That one's the one that bothers me. Probably because the person who said it is so close to me. I've been policing my actions in public/society as of late. Everything I do and say is completely normal to me. So how in the world am I to figure out if something's amiss? Ok, this stresses me out.Well, after 42 mintues of furious typing I am finally almost out of thoughts. The parents will be getting up soon and I'll have to feel guilty answering their questions of my bed time and my rise time. It's bad when you feel that the people you live with are constantly judging you, whether they are or not. And that's another psychological issue that I seem to have. Maybe the parents should just admit me to a facility and be done with it. Ahh, says my rational side, is that just another way of chickening out of life? Not having to face adversity? Hardship? Oh rational side!! Sometimes I wish you'd just shut up and let me cry for awhile. Unless I teared up during a sad movie or tv show, I can't remember the last time I had a good cry and sometimes a woman just needs to cry. As a disclaimer: please don't think I'm miserable. It was just a down feeling night. I'm a very happy person. The parents are great and they put up with my mood swings and seemingly unmotivated self. I am not seeking pity in posting this. It was more just to vent my own emotions and gain control over them for myself. Feel free to comment.

Hopeless. Down. Spiral. God, sometimes I hate what i have. Why did you give me this if I can't work with it? If it's not attainable? Whatever.