...unpredictable and nonsensical. However, my mood always seems to match the rain. Now it comes down to the chicken and the egg controversy....I have no idea which came first in respect to moods and rain. It's not that I dislike my mood when it rains, quite the contrary. I enjoy my mellow, dampened self. It gives me time to reflect. Reflect on life, reflect on my situation, myself....it's not always easy and enjoyable, but it has to be done.
I don't know if anyone has ever said change is hard, so I'm gonna say it....change is hard. I've been dealing with a lot lately....as in since my last blog. I had developed this "middle-finger to the world" attitude a la Marshall Mathers, but it hasn't worked out for me as much as him. Last Thursday afternoon/evening one of my good friends tells me that our old roommate moved out because of her relationship with me. That was a blow because I'd basically spent spring semester trying to cultivate a relationship with this girl. I asked her to lunch, filled her gas tank, tried to have good conversations....I don't understand it....maybe i tried to hard? Okay, the next thing is that one of my current roommates (who took the room of the above mentioned roommate) is thinking about moving out. My other dear, sweet roommate proceeds to tell me that she thinks once again it is my actions that are driving this housemate away.....blow #2. The third thing, and really the least worrisome, is that our property managers consider me rude and disrespectful and would no longer like to speak with me....well, I'm not really sorry they don't approve of me....lol. Okay, so that's the major things that have happened. The bad thing is they would be manageable if they happened on separate occasions....but to have this all told to you in one night is not pleasant.
so my whole screw what the world thinks of me attitude went right out the window within 24 hours time. i think the worst part of it is that i already struggle so much with liking myself and then to hear news like this makes it even harder. I've been told my entire life "watch your tone," "you can be somewhat bitchy," "you have no tact," etc. So evidently I haven't measured up my entire life to what people expect. Why should now be any different? The funny thing is that for all of this new information, I wasn't hurt...I was pissed. I think it would be different if I maliciously did things. But most of the time I just don't realize how what I'm saying is being perceived.
So, as you can see, the rain matches my mood. The wind parallels my internal thoughts. The tornado represents the unwelcome intrusions into my consciousness....okay, too much with the metaphor (or whatever the hell I'm doing is). Even though it's corny, it's still valid. Why do I have to continue feeling this way? Why am I plaged with such insecurities? Why am I plagued with a friend who seems to not be plagued any insecurities of her own? It makes it so much worse! Not only do I compare myself to others, I then feel abnormal for doing so. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. That's all I have to say. UGH! This situation is so frustrating!
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