Lately I feel like my femininity and my feminist sides have been at war with one another. Why all the dichotomy? Why can't things be easy and go smoothly? Lol, guess that's not the way it is meant to be. Finding this internal balance with myself is hard. It effects everything I do. When do I stop feeling the need to be everything to everyone? I know I physically and mentally can't fill that role. It's frustrating. I want to fix it. I want things to be cohesive, always. I feel the need to become neurotic over little things. For example, "Is she mad at me? Well, what did I do? What happened that she may have become angry at? Do I apologize? Do I wait for her to come to me? Is it possibly something else?" Ahhh, this is nuts. So, I purposefully and decisively stop myself in this line of thought, only to continue it ten minutes later. It is such a habit. Evidently one that causes me great stress. I've been reassessing things lately. Sex, love, romance, family, my wants, my needs, my habits, my goals, my purpose, my ambition, my motivation. Okay, so I haven't fleshed them all out, but who am I kidding? They are all connected. If they are all connected, why are they at war with one another? Guess it goes back to sin. Doesn't it always? We have these old, latent desires for things we don't understand (from our natural, original relationship with God) that are combined with the current culture which tells us what we should want (sin, the flesh, temptation). Or at least, that's what I've decided to conclude about myself.
Okay, so I digress, femininity vs. feminism, round 154, 2o6. Being the independent woman that I am, it is very difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable. I'm guessing pride has something to do with it, too...ugh, that's for another time. But a lot of it, too, has to do with lack of practice. I spend a lot of time and energy on this not-so-tough-girl front. I think I have myself convinced more than anyone else. Evidently, I wear my heart on my sleeve....well, that's news to me. Hah, not really. Like I said, I've fooled myself. So, another habit to break: allow myself to be....myself. What a concept. So, in order to do that there are a host of things that I need to let go of / get over, like: insecurity, past rejection, that little problem of pride I mentioned, and to an extent, even my accommodating personality traits.
This is a short, but powerful post. For me, by me. I like that. Just me.
