It's been awhile...

Wow, it has been a long time! I had to google blogspot and other blog websites just to remember which one I posted on! It's crazy! Well life has been tumultuous lately, well my inner life, that is. What's an inner life? Maybe I should re-term it my self. The inner workings of Katybeth have been put to the test lately. Trials and tribulations (minor things in comparison to others, of course) have stretched me. I have to say the stretching is not easy. Although the joy of being a more receptive person is nice. I'm learning new things about me, about the world...about my view and perception of the world. Maybe some of these things I'm learning is not for the best. I have no idea. That's the beauty of life. We have no idea what's coming next. I can tell you what I want to come next, what I think is coming, what I hope is coming, what should come, but in the end it's up to this crazy universe or fate or predestination....whatever you believe in/want to call it.

So...things I've learned. It's hard to really put a list together. It's more abstract thinking and observation. Like years ago, I thought I'd be married by now...or at least dating seriously. Nope, didn't turn out that way. I thought I'd be content, but I'm learning that contentment is relative and it's normal for things to be shitty or go wrong (not in a cynical way, things just happen). There is no "happily ever after." There is no "prince/princess charming" to rescue you. You've got to do it yourself. It's up to me and that is a scary revelation. I am an adult (when did that happen?). I am in charge of me. I've always thought that I knew the plan for my life: 1) go to college, 2) get married, 3) have children....it's the small-town, Southern environment coming out in me. I've recently (and I mean as in the last week) had this "duh" moment. Nothing is set in stone. I can move to Portland if I want or maybe Austrailia. I can pursue whatever I want: sex? drugs? rock n roll? lol...ok, that was over the top, but you see my point. Opportunities are out there and I can and should take advantage.

I have often told others (and myself), "I'm a creature of habit." I drive the same routes, I drink the same thing from Starbucks, I park in the same parking lot. What's the fun in that? Habituation is safety....and safety is predictable and easy. Why should I chose the easy way? I know why...I'm scared shitless. Life is scary. What if I fail? What if I have to run home to my podunk town with my tail between my legs and live with my parents? What if I end up marrying a man I settle for? Those things make me cringe just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I love my town but the hardships I faced there make me want to escape it. I don't want to go home to where the boy who terrorized me in middle school is a deputy (mostly because assaulting an officer is frowned upon). The town is and will always be my home, but it reminds me of everything I've tried so hard to run away from and forget. I remember when I first went off to college, everytime I crossed that county line I fell right back into the old me....who they thought I was, what they made me think of myself. It pissed me off...it still pisses me off...

So, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna take some more voice lessons. I'm gonna go on a cruise with my best friend. I'm gonna move. I'm gonna love. I'm gonna try my best to take chances and get out of my box. I'm gonna travel to DC or Boston or Canada or where ever the hell I wanna go. I'm gonna seek out life's adventures. I've spent too long on the sidelines or bench or whatever sports metaphor you wanna use. I want to let go of the past. I've held on so tightly for 12 years. Old grudges and hurts and insecurities...they are making me cynical and timid. Now, don't misunderstand me, I have no idea how to just let it go. I'm not that type of person. My life has taught me that disappointment and rejection just happen again and again. So what do i do? I watch out for it. I guard myself to the point where it's taken me almost a year to let someone new in. What happened to me? I don't trust people, yet I cling to them like my life depends on it. It's like their approval is what I need to live. I hate that I'm like that. I don't want to please people any longer. I want to do what I want to do. If I wanna drive to Wisconsin and get hammered, I will, and screw whatever you think.

I want something different for me, for my life. It starts anew right now.